If you don’t want to know anything about the new Indiana Jones movie, STOP READING. There will be MAJOR spoilers below if you have not seen it and have been living under a rock for the past 6 months.
I caught the midnight opening of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls last night, at least excited to see Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones again if nothing else. I had read early reviews that were scathing in their attack of the movie, but had read later reviews by fans that were not nearly as vicious, but just rather felt a little let down. There have been people that have stated that had this movie been made 20 years ago, it would have worked better in the series, but unfortunately, I have to disagree with even that sentiment and say that this movie is horrible no matter when it is released.
Let me at least state the things that I did enjoy about the film. Shia LaBeouf plays Mutt Williams, a.k.a. Henry Jones III. Despite what all the Shia-haters of the world say about him, he was actually the best part of the show. In particular, his on-screen relationship with Indiana had a certain sincerity that made the movie bearable to a certain degree. It was also great to see Harrison Ford in a “real” movie role again… you can tell that for Ford, Indiana Jones is like that old pair of shoes that you put on a year or two later and your feet find the old indentations that they once made and say to themselves, “Oh ya, I remember this…” It is very unfortunate that he has had to endure so many poor roles in the recent, oh, let’s say decade or so (I think Air Force One was his most recent halfway decent role). Harrison turns in a fairly decent performance, as far as the script permitted him to do so. The first half of the movie was fairly enjoyable with some good exposition and a great motorcycle chase scene.
So, what did I not like about the film? Two words: George Lucas. Lucas now has a way with films that every piece of gold he touches turns to crap. Now, while I didn’t enjoy the Star Wars prequels nearly as much as the original trilogy, I didn’t hate them. There were parts that I hated, characters that I hated, but overall, I really did enjoy them. However, I must admit that Lucas made a mockery of his own original Star Wars with the prequels. Indy 4 goes way beyond that point of mockery and actually insults its audience and truly ruins what remnants of respect I had for Lucas.
The concept: legend has it there is a crystal skull that has some incredible magnetic properties that whoever returns the skull to its original resting place will gain some incredible power. Naturally, the Russians want this power and kidnap/coerce Indy into helping them recover the skull and find this lost “Kingdom” in which to return the skull. Overall, not a bad plot line. Oh, except the fact that this skull came from an alien. Now, people have been saying for a long time that aliens came down and taught the Incas and Mayans technology and agriculture, etc., so that idea was not new to me. I could have bought into the idea of Indiana Jones exploring this legend of aliens becoming the “gods” of these ancient civilizations as long as his quest ultimately reveals a more reasonable explanation.
But good ol’ Lucas likes his aliens (and Spielberg too… he’s not completely off the hook either). So, when Indy et al. find this Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls, they find a room of 7 crystal alien skeletons, one missing its skull. The main antagonist (crazy Russian lady played as good as the script allowed by Cate Blanchett) returns the skull to its owner, and low-and-behold the aliens come back to life and open “an Inter-dimensional portal,” through which most of the bad guys are sucked. At this point, Indy & co. miraculously escape this temple which is now working its way out of the ground as it is revealed that this temple was just built to hide a futuristic-looking UFO. …UFO… In Indiana Jones. Indy stands there on the mountain side (which, by the way appeared to be a good 5 miles or so from the area they just escaped about 2 minutes ago…quite a quick jog, if you ask me) watching this UFO take off and blast into space. Then, they just go sit amongst the ruins and discuss the fact that Indiana is Mutt’s father. Not, “hey, did you just see that UFO take off?” or “so, what about those alien corpses we just saw?” or “so, what did you think of that Inter-dimensional portal that just opened?” No, it was “What?! Indiana Jones is your dad?” Cut to: INT: Chapel, day. A Wedding is taking place between Indy and Marion Ravenwood (Mutt’s mom). The movie ends happily-ever-after with no indication whatsoever that, oh ya, by the way, A UFO JUST TOOK OFF FROM EARTH.
Aside from the crappy plot, let’s look at factual/continuity errors. Major error #1: The crystal skulls actually do exist in the real world, however, they are NOT shaped like alien skulls…just regular human skulls made out of glass. So, if they portrayed the Ark of the Covenant more or less historically accurate, why stray so far from reality in Indy4? Major error #2: In Kingdom, the dialog reveals that Indiana’s dad, Henry Jones Sr. (played by Sean Connery in The Last Crusade) died in recent years. That would normally be a fine way of writing a character out of the story, except for the fact that in Crusade, Dr. Jones Sr. drank from the Holy Grail, thus making him immortal (and Indy too, for that matter). They could have just said that Henry Sr. was off chasing some new archaeological mystery, and thus would not be joining us in this adventure. The writers forgot to watch The Last Crusade again before writing this new script, I suppose.
Additionally, don’t even get me started on the lack of on-location shots and the over-abundance of CGI work. To take a line from another one of Spielberg’s movies, “your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.” Just because you can recreate an entire truck chase scene in front of a blue screen and just generate the Amazon scenery later on the computer, that doesn’t mean that you should do that. The truck chase scene in Raiders is probably the best one of its type on all of filmdom, while this one reminded me of the equally horrible water wheel sword fight between Captain Jack and Will Turner.
In conclusion, if you like your memories of Indiana Jones just the way they are, don’t bother with Kingdom. In fact, don’t just not bother with it, stay away. If you could care less about Indiana Jones and are just looking for a well-written script and some fine acting, again, stay away. If you are looking for some awesome stunt work and great scenery shots that we’ve come to know and love in a Indy flick, stay away. If you were really bothered by how bad Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace was, stay away.
